So Far, So Good

Remember Jack Handy?  Well, I've got some deep thoughts of my own.

Why is Kate (with a K) Middleton’s first name Catherine (with a C)?

Trying to be thankful for something I’m not thankful most of the time is hard.

I’m on the Spanx email list and have several “Spanx make a great holiday gift” emails. If someone got me a pair of Spanx for Christmas I would burst into tears and run out of the room.

Heidi Montag is not allowed to bitch about her plastic surgery scars or “lumpy legs.”

In two weeks I’ll be able to say, “Next year is 2012.” Man, I hope those Mayans were way off.

Bud and I would be really, really good on a game show. We’d be especially good at Million Dollar Drop.

There are three things that I’m equally excited for in the New Year: (1) My new niece (expected in March); (2) Kate and William’s wedding (April 29th); (3) My nephew (expected in May). Lady Gaga’s new album would be #4.

I wish I could go back to the time when I didn’t know what “pearling” was.

So there I was, sitting on the couch minding my own beeswax watching E! News when all of the sudden a familiar face is talking about Eva Longoria’s divorce. It’s an attractive black woman and I know that I know her, but cannot figure out how. Did I grow up with her? No, there was only one black girl at my school and that wasn’t her. Was she on tv? Well, the caption under her name says Basketball Wives, but I didn’t watch that show.

And then it hit me…it’s fucking Tami! Tami! You know, wire-her-jaw-shut-to-lose-weight, have-an-abortion-on-tv, “it wasn’t not funny,” Tami from Real World Los Angeles. Oh man…the good old days of MTV reality programming (no offense, I still love Teen Mom). I was slightly obsessed with the Real World and up until a couple years ago I had seen every single episode from every single season. It was a sad, sad day when I realized I was too old (and too fat) to ever be on the show because I somehow thought that one day I would.

But the first few seasons hold a particular place in my heart. I was only 11 years old when Real World Los Angeles was filmed. It’s kind of fucked up to imagine an 11 year old watching that shit, but I loved it.

Sometimes I wish this blog would die. Other times I wish that I could get published on CNN. Partly because it would be awesome to say that I’m a published editorial columnist, but mostly so that I could rebut assholes like Marshall Fine and Ruben Navarrette Jr. Let’s beginning by reading this article: Hypocrisy in mocking Boehner's tears. 

If you don’t have time for that, I’ll summarize. Navarrette’s thesis is that liberals are hypocritical when they mock Boehner for crying every 15 minutes while applauding Bill Clinton for the same behavior. For Navarrette it’s that simple. Black and White…no gray.

Well, here’s the problem. First and foremost he begins his column by referencing a Brendan Fraser movie. I’m sorry for any Mummy trilogy or Encino Man fanatics, but the only time Brendan Fraser ever made a movie worth discussing was Airheads and the only reason it’s awesome is because of Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi, and Chris Farley. But I digress…

The real problem is that he doesn’t understand what bothers liberals about Boehner’s emotion. It certainly isn’t that he gets choked up thinking about his story. Any American, every American, is amazed by his hard work and what he’s achieved from where he started. His emotion on election night was completely understandable as is his emotion when speaking about his family. I get that.

What bothers liberals about Boehner’s crying this that is the same guy who refuses to even say the word compromise on 60 minutes. I honestly think he’d rather tell Lesley Stahl to suck his dick on national television than use the word compromise. How can one person be so sensitive and yet so stubborn?

Navarrette is correct when he says that Boehner’s story is, “precisely the kind of story to which Democrats used to lay claim throughout the 20th century. It was Harry Truman, a Democrat, who used to say that if you wanted to live like a Republican, you had better vote Democrat. The Democrats were the party of the working class, where anyone could lay claim to the American Dream if they worked hard and sacrificed.”

THAT’S OUR POINT. Boehner, of all people, should know the benefits of Democratic ideals. He’s benefitted from them and yet is now the kind of Republican that acts as if all Democrats have the plague. Forget about walking across the aisle, this guy won’t even look across the aisle.

I think I’m a fairly easy person to live with. I generally clean up after myself and I’m pretty quiet (unless I have a couple bottles of wine in me). But there was one thing I did that drove my mom CRAZY and I’m thankful that Bud still puts up with it. I know, however, the day will come when he’s had too much and I’ll have to figure out a way to stop.

My issue is hypotheticals. No, I don’t mean my issue is a hypothetical problem. I mean I constantly throw out hypotheticals and demand answers. All. The. Time. This week alone, I’ve asked Bud

1.  If someone gave you $1000 for every Taco Bell crunchy taco supreme that you could eat in 60 minutes, how many could you eat? His answer: 50, Mine: 0 (but if I could get them with just meat and cheese: 15)

2.  If you could see Neil Diamond, Paul Simon, or Paul McCartney in concert, who would be your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd choice? His answer: McCartney, Simon, Diamond. Mine: Simon, McCartney, Diamond.

3.  What would do if you heard a gunman shoot the receptionist at your office? Do you have an exit strategy? His answer: There's a side door he could leave out of.  Mine:  Jump out my first floor window.

4.  What would you do if you heard someone break into our house will we’re in the bedroom with the door closed? His answer:  Use swayze.  Mine:  Jump out my first floor window.

My mom would get really frustrated and refuse to answer which only made things worse for her. My mind isn’t going to shut off just because you don’t want to play so you may as well answer.

So Bud, word to the wise, just answer the questions. They will be ridiculous, morbid, and sometimes strange, but I need answers.

November was a great month, but it unfortunately didn’t get the attention that it deserved on my little blog. Shame on me. But, I’m back and ready to write (translation: I’m back and ready to procrastinate at work so that I can focus more on this). Here are the Top Five Best Things About November 2010 That Didn’t Get Proper Their Respect:

1. CONAN’S BACK: Absolutely the best thing about November 2010. I missed my favorite ginger so, so much. Not only is he back, but he’s better than ever. Don’t believe me? Well, check out the jeggings he wore on last night’s show while interviewing the Karadashians.

2. SEMINOLE NATION IS BACK: Seeing FSU beat two conference rivals (Clemson and Maryland) was nice, but NOTHING compares to the sheer elation FSU fans felt last Saturday when the ‘Noles destroyed the Gators. After six long years of listening to a bunch of bullshit from Gator fans, it was nice to win this one. Now, we’re on to the ACC Championship Game. What a difference a year makes.

3. THANKSGIVING: I love Thanksgiving. It involves all of my favorite things…food, family, and football. We were incredibly lazy this year, which was nice after the hectic fall I’ve had. Only down size was that I gained approximately 70 lbs and now look like this:

4. AKB’S BIRTHDAY PARTY: While the Banks were in town we had a birthday party for Aubrey. She’s so much fun, really smart, and very sweet. I thought the birthday present I got her was kind of lame, but apparently I don’t know anything about what 2 year olds find exciting. Thank you, Fisher Price Little People.

Side note: Fisher Price really has a whole toy line called Little People. I can’t decide if that’s offensive or not. Thoughts?

5. KEY WEST: It was a long-ass drive, but we had a blast in Key West. The wedding was beautiful and it was great to see Janice and Nick. I’d love to go back to the keys when it’s a little warmer and we could spend a little more time.

Just starting to get into The Walking Dead and it’s already becoming an obsession. The show centers around Jim (played by the delicious Andrew Lincoln, the hottie who’s in love with his best friend’s wife in Love Actually). He wakes up from a coma to discover that the world has been taken over by zombies (called walkers) and that his wife and son are missing. He doesn’t know if they have been infected or if they are also survivors, but he sets out to find them and along the away finds groups of other survivors.

I can’t think of another tv show that’s this intense and scary. True Blood is the closet I can think of, but the shows are very different. True Blood is sexy. Walking Dead is gory. True Blood is campy. Walking Dead is serious, tense, unflinching. Both are amazing.

Thanks, AMC.

Are you home sick?

Let’s get one thing straight…I do not miss living in Tallahassee. I certainly prefer Jacksonville over the only city I’ve ever called home, but there’s a few things I miss about Tally-ho. In honor of my upcoming voyage west, here are The Top Five Things I Miss Most About Tallahassee.

1. Game Day: Hands down the best thing about Tallahassee is game day at Florida State. There’s nothing like it and even after 6 years I didn’t get enough. I may have missed the national championship seasons, but I’m happy that FSU was still competitive and highly ranked when I was a student.

2. Momo’s Pizza: Friday nights were spent at Momo’s with a slice a sausage,a pitcher of beer, and some of the most entertaining people this side of the Mississippi. (I still wonder how I’ve gained more weight in my 4 year marriage than my 6 years in college)

3. Lake Ella: It’s a shitty, little lake next to a busy, smelly street, but I have such good memories of Lake Ella….it still makes my heart go pitter, patter. Freshman year Bud and I would walk around it for hours. My parents would bring Emma to see me and we’d go there to look at the ducks. I went there on 9/11/01 when I didn’t watch the news anymore, but I couldn’t turn it off. I went there to exercise, to people watch, to picnic, etc.

4. School: Yes, I miss school. A lot. I miss going to class, reading assignments, staying up until 5:00 finishing a paper, listening to lectures…all of it. I do not miss looking for parking to get to class.

That's me...front and center...in the white sweater.

5. Politics: My freshman year was Fall 2000. For about 6 weeks, Tallahassee practically became the center of the universe when the Presidential Election was being decided right down the street from my dorm room. It was wild. Members of the international press were renting out frat houses because hotel rooms were booked for football games. I remember someone from CNN was sleeping in a tent across from the capitol. Bud and I were in the courtroom when hearings about the election results were happening. I don’t care if you don’t give a shit about politics….that’s pretty fucking cool.

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OK, just re-read that last post.  Depressing, much?

This is more like it: